Fed up!

Well, today I'm fed up! You'll probably get fed up with me saying that I'm fed up after a while....it's all i seem to say lately. Have you ever wondered why life is so hard at times? Why you can never recharge your batteries when you need to, so the tiredness just takes over? So, how do you get on with a young family? Meals need cooking, washing needs doing and life has to keep going! I have a responsibility as a parent, that keeps me focused but sometimes my bed seems my only place of comfort!

I often tell myself ' come on girl..pull yourself together!' and I'm sure my friends and family feel like telling me the same thing at times! I love life but it is hard to motivate myself some days. I suppose that's something that other sufferers of cancer can relate with me. Oh well...keep your chin up girl and go get on with it! Life still has to go on......

The Shrink!!!!

I went for my first appointment with 'The Shrink' yesterday, which left me feeling both positive and my usual negative self. Having studied counselling and psychotherapy myself, I sort of knew what to expect at my initial meeting. However, never being the client before (only in practice) I was very apprehensive. I appreciate that some people are very sceptical with regards counselling and talking out your problems, but I truly believe that it helps. It can be very scary delving into your mind and challenging your thought process, but how else can we progress?

It's almost impossible to feel comfortable talking openly to someone at an initial meeting, however my psychologist, who I will call Maureen showed a non possessive warmth throughout our session making it easy to open up. The fact that I WANT to change my cognitive behaviour is half the battle!

It has already helped me to identify things about myself, that perhaps I already knew but wasn't willing to admit. Let's face it, once you acknowledge your problem areas..you have to start the journey to change your life if that's what you want. Maybe to some that may seem an easy task but not to me.

I have recognised the following about my personality :

• I strive for achievement, perfection, nothing less.
• I have an aggressiveness, sometimes repressed.
• I am impatient.
• I feel under pressure most of the time.
• I'm unfulfilled in life.
• I'm restless most of the time.
• I lack self confidence.
• I require approval of others. ( something that I didn't believe. I didn't think that I needed others approval of my actions but I do!!)
• I abstract only the negative comments out of a conversation about me.

There are probably others that I will later think of but for now that seems to be enough to try and work through. Phew!!!!

During the course of meetings and with the homework I'm giving myself, I feel that I need to explore the following :

• My personal responsibility for my cognitive behaviour.
• Blame and self- blame.
• Attributions.
• Alternatives.
• Am I responsible for my behaviour?
• Am I in control or am I controlled?
• If I am controlled, by whom?

The biggest challenge I have to face is ' to change or not to change?' I identify that I need help to replace my 'tunnel thinking' with 'lateral, flexible thinking'.

Cognitive therapy was developed by Aaron Beck, who I really enjoyed researching and learning about during my studies. I believe in this theory. he put forward the view that behaviour is primarily determined by what the person thinks. It works really well in treating depression, where thoughts of low self-worth and low self-esteem are a common feature so I'm positive that it will help me. It is believed that Cognitive Therapy works on the statement that thoughts of low self-worth are incorrect and are due to faulty learning. Therefore the learned behaviour has to change!

Some of my thoughts often centre around...

• I haven't achieved anything good.
• I have nothing to offer.
• I'm such a failure.
• I deserve to be criticized.
• Why should I bother?

As a result I self destruct, which is certainly not the right answer. At least i already identify that.....

Cancer....

I haven't had any treatment for the last two weeks and as it's half term, I decided to take the children to Reading to visit friends and family. I had an internal radiotherapy implant removed last week so I'm starting to feel a little brighter...for now!

I haven't written about the cancer for a while, so I will talk about what happened after the diagnosis. Some of it is a bit of a blur, so you will have to be patient.

I got diagnosed with Fibrosarcoma, cancer of the soft tissue and it was pretty large in size. Radiotherapy started almost immediately which was hard going and very scary. I was later referred to a Thoracic surgeon who was going to remove the tumor...he was wonderful! in August 2007 I had the tumor removed along with part of four ribs and had reconstruction of my left chest wall. It was very traumatic but something that I had to do. i just got on with it and seemed to cope...until my second lump appeared. I now have another malignant tumor, again on the ribs. I'm having radiotherapy for this and seems to be effective at the present time.
My psychological state is not good as a result. I have panic attacks, feel depressed, uninterested in anything and very self destructive. My mind is a whirlpool of emotions, which I will write more about later.

Anyway, I had quite a good time in Reading, spending most of my time with a special friend who made me and my children feel very welcome. It's amazing how many people actually offer support when you really need it...I'm very disappointed with my supporting network. I feel very alone sometimes and often wonder what it takes for your loved ones to show you love and comfort? I'm just very glad I had my friend.