A brilliant mum????

This morning a special friend said I was a brilliant mum! I can't remember the last time anyone said that to me or I even felt like one! I'm in such a dark place at the minute and don't feel successful in anything that I do. Does a brilliant mum shout all the time even though she's not being listened to? Does a brilliant mum have no interest in her children? Does a brilliant mum want to run away and leave them?



I'm diverting from my usual blog entries regarding my cancer to reflect on how I feel as a person who is struggling to cope.



It's a circle of emotions...



I feel alone, like no-one understands my fears. I have apathy, no energy to perform in my roles and no interest! I don't feel as though I'm coping with the everyday tasks and requirements of a brilliant mum! I'm so negative in my outlook to life, I can't make effective decisions and my concentration is poor! Doesn't that all sound alittle self pitying?? Which then brings me to the guilt.....

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do as a mum...not as me! If it was just me, who cares? However, as I get told I am a mum and that should always 'come first'!!!

Guilt is apparantly a common feature of depression... a feeling that you are doing something wrong and pathological guilt occurs when a person adds that to the belief that she is a bad person!! I'm so sick and tired of being portrayed as that! Bad old me....always messing up, not doing the right things, making the wrong choices!! Who chose to give me CANCER???? I didn't want it!! Show me the book where it tells you how to cope with it and live without the fear?? Why isn't it acceptable to make mistakes? Self blame is so natural..."Why did this happen to me? What did i do wrong?".

Never heard of it.....

A Sarcoma! What is that???
I remember feeling numb, I needed to get out...I couldn't breathe! Why was I on my own? I thought everything was going to be o.k.! I was angry with the consultant, angry with everyone and started to cry. I couldn't look at the professional people that were looking at me. On reflection, I can't remember everything I was told that day...it's very vague.

Anyway...the reality was that I'd got a tumor and the possible name of this tumor was a Sarcoma. Cancer of the soft tissue. They needed me to go in for a CT Guided Biopsy in three days. Why so soon?? What would it all mean??

I ran out of the hospital as fast as I could, I needed fresh air. I remember running past a nurse, who asked me if I was ok and I replied..."I just need to get out!". She directed me to the nearest exit.

OH MY GOD!! I wanted to smash the car windows of every car...I wanted to shout at the passers by, I felt so angry! The tears were streaming and I knew that I had to 'pull myself together' as my children were waiting in the car with my partner. They couldn't see my like this! My partner came to meet me, obviously concerned from the call he'd just recieved from me. I couldn't let him hold me tight...I needed to be free! I had to be strong. I smile about being strong today...why did I have to be strong? Why wasn't it o.k. to cry and allow my children to see my tears? I was hurting so bad but I was still protecting others...who could protect me?

The journey starts....

ONCOLOGIST..... what is an oncologist?? This is a doctor who is a specialist in the treatment of cancer. Why did I need to see one of those? What was wrong with me??

The first stage of my diagnosis was an M.R.I. Scan. It is like an x-ray and can take many different photos from different angles inside your body. The consultant told me that once all of the photos were joined together, they would form a complete picture of my body and they would see what was wrong with me!
I was scared! I felt paniced, dis-orientated and out of control. What was happening to me? The scan was strange. It lasted about 30 minutes but seemed like hours. I then waited and waited for the results. I was on my own which didn't bother me until the time for the dreaded answers. As we have three children, my partner had to take care of them and there was no way that i could invite them into the hospital with me to find out about this LUMP! I needed to be strong and just get on with it! That's me.... !

After two hours waiting, I was called into a room! Dogdy, I remember thinking!!!! It was similar to a counselling room and there was a lady in there too. Two chairs opposite eachother...not divided by a table...very informal.
My stomache started churning, my heart was racing, the palms of my hands were sweating. My consultant looked up and gave me a half hearted smile.What was he going to say? I was so scared and felt so alone......

My story!

Life is a journey, we don't know where our paths will take us and we never know what's planned for us! If I had to describe myself in three words, I would probably say that I was.... romantic, emotional and genuine! Others may add dramatic to that and they would probably be right! Ha ha.



I'm going to go back to the end of April 2007 and I'm hoping to find the process cathartic.



I remember waking up on a bright Saturday morning after an uncomfortable nights sleep. For a while I'd been having a pain on the left side of my chest wall but complaining that we needed a new bed or it was the way I was sleeping. However, that morning as i looked in the mirror I noticed a large lump on my ribs! I mentioned it to my partner and we were both puzzled about it. How can a lump just appear overnight??

The following Monday I very lightheartedly went to see my GP who suggested an untrasound at our local hospital. At this time I wasn't concerned. Three days later I recieved a call from the surgery asking me to go in for a 'chat'. My GP suggested a referral to a 'specialist' where I could have some routine tests which would find out what the problem could be. However, he did confirm that I had a mass that shouldn't be there!

Within a few days my letter arrived. I had to go to the ONCOLOGY dept on the 1st May! Then it all started......

My introduction.....

Here I am sitting at home on a Thursday evening. My children are sleeping...dreaming of pretty gardens and ice-creams... I hope! My loving partner has gone to work...providing for our family. What a perfect life it appears!

In the background I can hear singing. American Idol is on, I love this programme. In fact, I love all the reality shows so I should be glued to the television but tonight I'm not. I have promised myself for a very long time that I would start a journal of some sort to reflect on the past months of my life...to be my own sounding board and here goes!!

It's so sad what i've become.
The beautiful days I seem to leave undone,
And I don't know where I will go from here.
All I know is that the I can't see the sun through the sky from here.
Everyone has a finger, but they can't always point to the light...
It can't be that hard to find
After all, it's so bright!
I don't know if tomorrow has a day.
I don't know if the rays will shine my way.
All i know is that i'm standing in a place where my future looks like the night sky.
I don't know if my body can take much more.
We're in the land of the richest riches but my mind feels so poor.
Everyone has a finger, but they can't point me to the light.
It shouldn't be so hard to find,
After all we're so bright.
I can see so many visions but everyone seems out of sight.
This is total neglection.
The future looks like the night sky...