Fed up!

Well, today I'm fed up! You'll probably get fed up with me saying that I'm fed up after a while....it's all i seem to say lately. Have you ever wondered why life is so hard at times? Why you can never recharge your batteries when you need to, so the tiredness just takes over? So, how do you get on with a young family? Meals need cooking, washing needs doing and life has to keep going! I have a responsibility as a parent, that keeps me focused but sometimes my bed seems my only place of comfort!

I often tell myself ' come on girl..pull yourself together!' and I'm sure my friends and family feel like telling me the same thing at times! I love life but it is hard to motivate myself some days. I suppose that's something that other sufferers of cancer can relate with me. Oh well...keep your chin up girl and go get on with it! Life still has to go on......

The Shrink!!!!

I went for my first appointment with 'The Shrink' yesterday, which left me feeling both positive and my usual negative self. Having studied counselling and psychotherapy myself, I sort of knew what to expect at my initial meeting. However, never being the client before (only in practice) I was very apprehensive. I appreciate that some people are very sceptical with regards counselling and talking out your problems, but I truly believe that it helps. It can be very scary delving into your mind and challenging your thought process, but how else can we progress?

It's almost impossible to feel comfortable talking openly to someone at an initial meeting, however my psychologist, who I will call Maureen showed a non possessive warmth throughout our session making it easy to open up. The fact that I WANT to change my cognitive behaviour is half the battle!

It has already helped me to identify things about myself, that perhaps I already knew but wasn't willing to admit. Let's face it, once you acknowledge your problem areas..you have to start the journey to change your life if that's what you want. Maybe to some that may seem an easy task but not to me.

I have recognised the following about my personality :

• I strive for achievement, perfection, nothing less.
• I have an aggressiveness, sometimes repressed.
• I am impatient.
• I feel under pressure most of the time.
• I'm unfulfilled in life.
• I'm restless most of the time.
• I lack self confidence.
• I require approval of others. ( something that I didn't believe. I didn't think that I needed others approval of my actions but I do!!)
• I abstract only the negative comments out of a conversation about me.

There are probably others that I will later think of but for now that seems to be enough to try and work through. Phew!!!!

During the course of meetings and with the homework I'm giving myself, I feel that I need to explore the following :

• My personal responsibility for my cognitive behaviour.
• Blame and self- blame.
• Attributions.
• Alternatives.
• Am I responsible for my behaviour?
• Am I in control or am I controlled?
• If I am controlled, by whom?

The biggest challenge I have to face is ' to change or not to change?' I identify that I need help to replace my 'tunnel thinking' with 'lateral, flexible thinking'.

Cognitive therapy was developed by Aaron Beck, who I really enjoyed researching and learning about during my studies. I believe in this theory. he put forward the view that behaviour is primarily determined by what the person thinks. It works really well in treating depression, where thoughts of low self-worth and low self-esteem are a common feature so I'm positive that it will help me. It is believed that Cognitive Therapy works on the statement that thoughts of low self-worth are incorrect and are due to faulty learning. Therefore the learned behaviour has to change!

Some of my thoughts often centre around...

• I haven't achieved anything good.
• I have nothing to offer.
• I'm such a failure.
• I deserve to be criticized.
• Why should I bother?

As a result I self destruct, which is certainly not the right answer. At least i already identify that.....

Cancer....

I haven't had any treatment for the last two weeks and as it's half term, I decided to take the children to Reading to visit friends and family. I had an internal radiotherapy implant removed last week so I'm starting to feel a little brighter...for now!

I haven't written about the cancer for a while, so I will talk about what happened after the diagnosis. Some of it is a bit of a blur, so you will have to be patient.

I got diagnosed with Fibrosarcoma, cancer of the soft tissue and it was pretty large in size. Radiotherapy started almost immediately which was hard going and very scary. I was later referred to a Thoracic surgeon who was going to remove the tumor...he was wonderful! in August 2007 I had the tumor removed along with part of four ribs and had reconstruction of my left chest wall. It was very traumatic but something that I had to do. i just got on with it and seemed to cope...until my second lump appeared. I now have another malignant tumor, again on the ribs. I'm having radiotherapy for this and seems to be effective at the present time.
My psychological state is not good as a result. I have panic attacks, feel depressed, uninterested in anything and very self destructive. My mind is a whirlpool of emotions, which I will write more about later.

Anyway, I had quite a good time in Reading, spending most of my time with a special friend who made me and my children feel very welcome. It's amazing how many people actually offer support when you really need it...I'm very disappointed with my supporting network. I feel very alone sometimes and often wonder what it takes for your loved ones to show you love and comfort? I'm just very glad I had my friend.

A brilliant mum????

This morning a special friend said I was a brilliant mum! I can't remember the last time anyone said that to me or I even felt like one! I'm in such a dark place at the minute and don't feel successful in anything that I do. Does a brilliant mum shout all the time even though she's not being listened to? Does a brilliant mum have no interest in her children? Does a brilliant mum want to run away and leave them?



I'm diverting from my usual blog entries regarding my cancer to reflect on how I feel as a person who is struggling to cope.



It's a circle of emotions...



I feel alone, like no-one understands my fears. I have apathy, no energy to perform in my roles and no interest! I don't feel as though I'm coping with the everyday tasks and requirements of a brilliant mum! I'm so negative in my outlook to life, I can't make effective decisions and my concentration is poor! Doesn't that all sound alittle self pitying?? Which then brings me to the guilt.....

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do as a mum...not as me! If it was just me, who cares? However, as I get told I am a mum and that should always 'come first'!!!

Guilt is apparantly a common feature of depression... a feeling that you are doing something wrong and pathological guilt occurs when a person adds that to the belief that she is a bad person!! I'm so sick and tired of being portrayed as that! Bad old me....always messing up, not doing the right things, making the wrong choices!! Who chose to give me CANCER???? I didn't want it!! Show me the book where it tells you how to cope with it and live without the fear?? Why isn't it acceptable to make mistakes? Self blame is so natural..."Why did this happen to me? What did i do wrong?".

Never heard of it.....

A Sarcoma! What is that???
I remember feeling numb, I needed to get out...I couldn't breathe! Why was I on my own? I thought everything was going to be o.k.! I was angry with the consultant, angry with everyone and started to cry. I couldn't look at the professional people that were looking at me. On reflection, I can't remember everything I was told that day...it's very vague.

Anyway...the reality was that I'd got a tumor and the possible name of this tumor was a Sarcoma. Cancer of the soft tissue. They needed me to go in for a CT Guided Biopsy in three days. Why so soon?? What would it all mean??

I ran out of the hospital as fast as I could, I needed fresh air. I remember running past a nurse, who asked me if I was ok and I replied..."I just need to get out!". She directed me to the nearest exit.

OH MY GOD!! I wanted to smash the car windows of every car...I wanted to shout at the passers by, I felt so angry! The tears were streaming and I knew that I had to 'pull myself together' as my children were waiting in the car with my partner. They couldn't see my like this! My partner came to meet me, obviously concerned from the call he'd just recieved from me. I couldn't let him hold me tight...I needed to be free! I had to be strong. I smile about being strong today...why did I have to be strong? Why wasn't it o.k. to cry and allow my children to see my tears? I was hurting so bad but I was still protecting others...who could protect me?

The journey starts....

ONCOLOGIST..... what is an oncologist?? This is a doctor who is a specialist in the treatment of cancer. Why did I need to see one of those? What was wrong with me??

The first stage of my diagnosis was an M.R.I. Scan. It is like an x-ray and can take many different photos from different angles inside your body. The consultant told me that once all of the photos were joined together, they would form a complete picture of my body and they would see what was wrong with me!
I was scared! I felt paniced, dis-orientated and out of control. What was happening to me? The scan was strange. It lasted about 30 minutes but seemed like hours. I then waited and waited for the results. I was on my own which didn't bother me until the time for the dreaded answers. As we have three children, my partner had to take care of them and there was no way that i could invite them into the hospital with me to find out about this LUMP! I needed to be strong and just get on with it! That's me.... !

After two hours waiting, I was called into a room! Dogdy, I remember thinking!!!! It was similar to a counselling room and there was a lady in there too. Two chairs opposite eachother...not divided by a table...very informal.
My stomache started churning, my heart was racing, the palms of my hands were sweating. My consultant looked up and gave me a half hearted smile.What was he going to say? I was so scared and felt so alone......

My story!

Life is a journey, we don't know where our paths will take us and we never know what's planned for us! If I had to describe myself in three words, I would probably say that I was.... romantic, emotional and genuine! Others may add dramatic to that and they would probably be right! Ha ha.



I'm going to go back to the end of April 2007 and I'm hoping to find the process cathartic.



I remember waking up on a bright Saturday morning after an uncomfortable nights sleep. For a while I'd been having a pain on the left side of my chest wall but complaining that we needed a new bed or it was the way I was sleeping. However, that morning as i looked in the mirror I noticed a large lump on my ribs! I mentioned it to my partner and we were both puzzled about it. How can a lump just appear overnight??

The following Monday I very lightheartedly went to see my GP who suggested an untrasound at our local hospital. At this time I wasn't concerned. Three days later I recieved a call from the surgery asking me to go in for a 'chat'. My GP suggested a referral to a 'specialist' where I could have some routine tests which would find out what the problem could be. However, he did confirm that I had a mass that shouldn't be there!

Within a few days my letter arrived. I had to go to the ONCOLOGY dept on the 1st May! Then it all started......

My introduction.....

Here I am sitting at home on a Thursday evening. My children are sleeping...dreaming of pretty gardens and ice-creams... I hope! My loving partner has gone to work...providing for our family. What a perfect life it appears!

In the background I can hear singing. American Idol is on, I love this programme. In fact, I love all the reality shows so I should be glued to the television but tonight I'm not. I have promised myself for a very long time that I would start a journal of some sort to reflect on the past months of my life...to be my own sounding board and here goes!!

It's so sad what i've become.
The beautiful days I seem to leave undone,
And I don't know where I will go from here.
All I know is that the I can't see the sun through the sky from here.
Everyone has a finger, but they can't always point to the light...
It can't be that hard to find
After all, it's so bright!
I don't know if tomorrow has a day.
I don't know if the rays will shine my way.
All i know is that i'm standing in a place where my future looks like the night sky.
I don't know if my body can take much more.
We're in the land of the richest riches but my mind feels so poor.
Everyone has a finger, but they can't point me to the light.
It shouldn't be so hard to find,
After all we're so bright.
I can see so many visions but everyone seems out of sight.
This is total neglection.
The future looks like the night sky...