A brilliant mum????

This morning a special friend said I was a brilliant mum! I can't remember the last time anyone said that to me or I even felt like one! I'm in such a dark place at the minute and don't feel successful in anything that I do. Does a brilliant mum shout all the time even though she's not being listened to? Does a brilliant mum have no interest in her children? Does a brilliant mum want to run away and leave them?



I'm diverting from my usual blog entries regarding my cancer to reflect on how I feel as a person who is struggling to cope.



It's a circle of emotions...



I feel alone, like no-one understands my fears. I have apathy, no energy to perform in my roles and no interest! I don't feel as though I'm coping with the everyday tasks and requirements of a brilliant mum! I'm so negative in my outlook to life, I can't make effective decisions and my concentration is poor! Doesn't that all sound alittle self pitying?? Which then brings me to the guilt.....

I feel guilty for feeling the way I do as a mum...not as me! If it was just me, who cares? However, as I get told I am a mum and that should always 'come first'!!!

Guilt is apparantly a common feature of depression... a feeling that you are doing something wrong and pathological guilt occurs when a person adds that to the belief that she is a bad person!! I'm so sick and tired of being portrayed as that! Bad old me....always messing up, not doing the right things, making the wrong choices!! Who chose to give me CANCER???? I didn't want it!! Show me the book where it tells you how to cope with it and live without the fear?? Why isn't it acceptable to make mistakes? Self blame is so natural..."Why did this happen to me? What did i do wrong?".